(This probably belongs on my words blog, but it describes my life right now. A post soon to follow...as well as a whole new blog!)

Hello from Alaska! (an unsent email)

          Whilst attempting to clean out my ridiculously full draft folder in my email, I found this gem of an email that I'm so sad never sent. I remember I was at the library, the only place that I could use the internet, and I either had to leave abruptly to get to work, I ran out of time on the library computer, or Brittney's laptop that I was borrowing died. Either way, I thought that it was too late to send half a year later, but it would be fun to share here. It has details that, even a few months later, I'd forgotten about! That's a lot of the fun with emailing and blogging-- it's a good way to make a sort of journal entry. Especially, like in this email, when you're sharing it with others. It's a good way to share things but to also try and say things positively. I could have whined a lot more about the hardships I was facing in Alaska at that beginning time, but I'm really proud of myself that I was so positive. haha, maybe I am getting ahead of myself... but I can say, that this summer I did truly learn how to be so much more positive than I usually am! Here is a little insight into the beginning of my cannery life in Alaska...

July 3, 2012
Hello from Alaska!
I am currently on my 15th day in Kenai! Things here are very interesting. I wanted to send a short update to let everyone know I'm alive! 
I'll start from leaving California! I first flew into Seattle on the 13th of June. Elliot picked me up, and we had a pita and chatted. I was going up to Bellingham to visit a university friend, but I missed my train! So I had to catch a greyhound instead. I stayed at my friends and had a lot of fun until Saturday, when they drove me down to Seattle. Then I spent some time with Elliot and Ashley. The best part was Pikes Place Market, and just exploring with Elliot. I LOVED it. So cool and fun. I left for Alaska early Monday, the 18th.
When I first arrived in Anchorage on the 18th, I was super excited. The three hour bus ride to Kenai was really beautiful. Getting into Kenai was a bit of a disappointment after the bus ride. I had a hard time adjusting to the life here, but am comfortable and enjoying it now.
I came with one of my best friends from Wyoming, Cheslie. Her childhood best friend Brittney came too. So it's the three of us Wyoming girls. Despite going to high school together, I hadn't spent any time with Brittney before, but we are getting along really well. She is hilarious, always cracking me up. And really kind and outgoing, so we have met a lot of people just through her!
At first it was very overwhelming. At the Pacific Star cannery, it's a small area with a bunch of different buildings. Above most of the buildings are the dorm type apartments. Despite living in a room with three other girls, I lucked out. We have our very own bathroom! With two toilets even. Most of the guys rooms are eight to 10 guys per room, with no bathroom. Plus they have creepy green glassed sun windows. The guys rooms and the hallways (where the laundry room is) have a weird glow all around. It's all a part of the experience I suppose! (Though some of the rooms have put cardboard up to block out the green glow.)
Our room is pretty small for four girls, but we're comfortable now. The only complaints I have are a) it gets way dirty fast! (Sand everywhere.) And b) we're right next to the stairwell, so we here people coming up and down the stairs super loud all the time. We also live with a lot of Ukrainian and Kazakhstan neighbors, who can be so loud! Most are friendly though, and it is really cool to be meeting lots of foreign people. Yesterday my friend Cheslie and I worked with a Ukrainian guy and a Kazakhstan guy. (We prepped boxes that will then be used to package the fish that is shipped off!) There are also a lot of Uzbekistan people. Most of the foreigners, and the other people, are friendly. We have made a few friends and talked to lots of people.
We've been doing a lot of exploring -- hanging out on the beach a lot (which we live right next to!), bonfires, going on hikes, tasting the local cuisine (BURGER BUS!), hanging out at the library, watching movies, reading, and laughing a lot. Right now there is a lot of down time because the fish season hasn't picked up. Everyone says that it will in the next few days... but this year is a slow year. We've heard that it was a long winter, so the fish are taking longer to "run" (migrate) because of the cold water. This could just be an off year too. So far I've worked nine hours... but that was five shifts! In two weeks. I am working later today as well. It is a bit frustrating to not get the work we expected coming into this, but I am still committed to seeing the whole summer out. I have faith it'll pick up soon. Brittney will be staying as well, but if things don't pick up in the next two weeks Cheslie might leave.
There is a lot of different types of work to do at the cannery. So far I've done a variety. The first few times I worked, I was working on what they call the "roe line", which basically is sorting the fish eggs from the fish guts. There is an assembly line of people, starting with the people who unload the caught fish. Then someone slices them open, the next person pulls the guts out, and the eggs out if it is a female fish. Then the assortment of guts and eggs go on a little conveyor belt down to the roe line conveyor belt, where I plus another girl or two would push the guts down and throw the eggs up. Some of the guts are attached, so you have to pull them apart. It is super gross and fast passed, which makes it way interesting to me! haha. I got to do that the first three times I worked, and wouldn't mind doing it the rest of the season (despite the guts and blood flying everywhere and the standing on your feet so long). Originally they said our jobs would be in the egg house (the building we live on top of), sorting the fish eggs and packaging them. Now they say they might place us somewhere else! I just hope they don't put me in the packaging part (processing is the guts part)... that job I did once and it was BORING! I can't imagine doing it for 12-16 hour days.
Otherwise things are alright. I've felt a lot of disappointment and frustration, but all in all it is an interesting experience. I came into it thinking I would make a lot of money, but now I'm just hoping for a good chunk. I do feel like I will have left here learning a lot. And I can now say I have been to Alaska! Even if it is not the prettiest part. The best part is the beach... where you can see mountains in the back. It's really pretty. I'll take more pictures and send them soon!
I hope I haven't bored you all too much! I can check the internet pretty frequently right now, though I can only send short emails on my phone. I can respond to longer emails anytime I'm at the library, so feel free to write me!
Lots of love,



Claire

Editors note: The funniest thing about this email to me is that I said I didn't want to work in packaging for the busy season -- which is exactly what I did! And it turned out it was a huge blessing that I worked there. Smaller crew so we all bonded, better work that was less monotonous, regular hours during the day...okay, still 8 am till midnight, but much better than in processing where some worked the graveyard shift.

2012 IN REVIEW

     I am currently sitting here listening to the best of 2012 super hipster music, eating fudge (which, consequently, reminds me of my Ukrainian friend Andre as we drove the mountain-y roads of Alaska, but that is another story...), and thinking, 'Damn, it's really been another year?!' Honestly, where I am now, it could be as if nothing changed from a few years ago. But that is just my physical location (my mom's basement har har)... so, so much happened in 2012! Here is just a way to highlight a few of the things. 
     Oh and since it's a few weeks into 2013, just to let you know, I'm going to write quite a few blog pots on 2012. 

~~

Moment worth recognizing: DIPLOMA! I RECEIVED MY DIPLOMA! Finally, sheesh. I took an online French class, finally had some communication with my university, and finished everything I needed to do! I officially have a bachelors degree in English.

Moment I wish Never Had Even Happened 'Cause All It Did Was Leave Me Bitter: A horrible fight I got into with my mother.

Most Exhausting & Exhilarating Event This Year: Working and living in Alaska from June through August. O. M. G. The definition of exhausting and exhilarating right there. By the time my summer was ending, I saw the experience through rose-tinted glasses. It definitely wasn't all positive, it was beyond trying. I learned more than I could have imagined, met incredible people, made great friendships, and had lots of fun.
Goals Set & Achieved: Finished my French class, received my diploma, went to Alaska, lost weight, saw some old friends.

Goals Set & Not Achieved: I didn't make it to Thailand, I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to, and I haven't made it out of the country yet. Yet.
Best Discovery: Fresh water crab. I had it at a Mexican family's home in Deleware, with a vegtable broth soup. It was a whole crab, that you had to break open. I had never done that before. It was delicious.

Movie of the Year: My favorites: The Avengers, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Cabin in the Woods, Moonrise Kingdom, Prometheus. (Ps I actually didn't see a lot of movies that came out in 2012.)

Awesome Trend that Rocked the World: Ummmmmmmmmm. Superheros?  

National Anthem of the Year: I Will Survive (the world was supposed to end, right?)

Most Loved Album: Ellie Goulding - Halcyon 

Album on Most Rotation: Every single song by Lana Del Rey.

Movie I thought Would Totally Stink But Took Me By Surprise at How Much I Enjoyed It: How about I switch this question to Movie I though Would Totally Rock But Took Me By Surprise at How Much I Hated it: The Dark Knight Rises. Awful, awful, awful. Granted, I saw it late at night, on my birthday, after working 16 hour days for the past two weeks, but still. Not a fan.

Most Watched TV Show: Twin Peaks, Roswell, Veronica Mars, Doctor Who, Pretty Little Liars.
Biggest TV Disappointment: The Glee Project -- I wanted a freakin' girl to win!!!

Biggest Annoyance: Being poor.

Proudest Moment: Getting my diploma/Making it through this summer in Alaska.

Most Fun Time: Homer with Chez and Les, Christmas.
Worst Time: The inevitable fighting during a hellishly long roadtrip across the country and back, and trying to figure out where to move the whole month of October.

What I Wish I'd Done Every Weekend This Year: Called my loved ones, gone to the theater, spent time outside, just been positive. Though I did try to do this things a lot! I just say that's what I wanted more of. :)
Thing Released This Year That Became An Instant Classic & A Daily Reminder In Life: I've thought over this question for the past 10 minutes, and I've got nothin'.
Moments of Pure Joy: Seeing my younger brother for the first time in two years, visiting NYC and feeling closure and peace over the hard times I had there, seeing my cat at Christmas. Yep.

2012 IN PHOTOS

Literally my face on NYE when it became 2012 / view from dad's office in Long Beach, CA / my fav Mexican hang / 

Cynarra and me on a ride at a local fair.

My funny Dad and his green beer on St. Patty's Day / just a small family outing / Easter treats / 

My stepmom Mary and my sister Abbie during Abbie's visit to CA.

Seattle pre-Alaska: gum wall / Public Market / my brother about to devour a shrimp fried whole / cool graffiti. 

ALASKA!: My city, Kenai / CANNERY LIVIN' at the Salty Dawg Saloon in Homer / 

Kenai Beach with Chez, Brit, me, and Sabrina / ALASKAN BEARS!

Flowers on the bluff in Kenai / Ksenya and me in Seward / Patrick and me, meeting up in Kenai 

(what are the odds! it was awesome.) / Homer sunset.

My Ukrainian friend Alex and me at the cannery /our "spot": gloomy rocky beach outside the building we lived in / 

Russian church in Old Kenai / loves of my life Chez and Les in Homer.

Post Alaska: visiting Rachelle in Utah / a beautiful covered bridge in Deleware / REAL Philly Cheese-steak / 

seeing my younger brother Ian after two years.

Standing on the beach in Atlantic City / New York City with Abbie and Ian / Palmyra, NY with my mom and Ian / Strawberry Creek, WY where we took a hike post-road trip.

Driving with my older brother to Seattle from Wyoming / Clam Chowder with Aunt Linda, Elliot, and Ashley / 

Bellingham / Tesha and me with our real faces.

Pizza in Capitol Hill, Seattle with Elliot / record store in CH featuring my favorite singer this year LDR / that one time I worked at Macy's for the Christmas season / Mt. Shasta, CA, on our drive from Seattle to LA.

Christmas tree / Paco the cat / Ian and me getting Del Taco post NYE party / foggy, wonderful Long Beach before I left.

Identity (part two)

  Towards the end of that last post, I said something about seeing the bad come from the bad. I wanted to also say that I also see the good that comes from the bad. The overcoming the bad. How strong that can make someone. How you have a different perspective on the world.
  Sometimes I wonder why I think or feel the way I do. I guess that is why I wrote the previous post.  I don't know exactly what it is that has made me want to travel the world, not to get married straight away, or even when I was younger, not to base my self esteem on a boyfriend.   I'm not condemning those things. I'm just wondering why I have different desires and have made different decisions. 
  Ever since I left Virginia two years ago, my life has been all about trying to understand who I am and figure out what I want to do with my life. I think that is pretty normal. I think someone either has a clear path they're on: graduation, internship, job, promotion, marriage, etc., or like me, someone has no idea.
  I spent my college years thinking without a doubt I wanted to be a journalist. From the last post, I explained my feelings on being a writer. I have loved the quickness of journalism, how your writing and thoughts can be published so quickly for everyone to read. It can have a major impact on society.
  I'm not sure if I became disillusioned or just tired by the end of school. I no longer felt that passion for journalism. I had none of the drive to make it to the top as I had before. (I had made it and been at the top for my junior and senior years, as the editor in chief.) 
  I did love what I did, but it didn't seem to be enough. Or just wasn't right.
  I'm still not sure.  And that was only the half of my confusion on who I am!
  The next came with a drastic change in appearance: a major weight gain. 
  I went through those confusing feelings, mostly of self-loathing and self-deprecation (thanks, society), but another huge layer was added when I dyed my hair for the first time. I had previously only once dyed my hair in any way-- when I put two huge white streaks in it when I was 15. 
  At Christmas two years ago, after months and months of wanting to dye my hair, my sister and I dyed it from a box. It didn't look much different. So we dyed it again. Still not a major change, just a lighter blonde color. 
  I dyed it one more time while in Wyoming, thanks to a box of dye my sister sent me. It was now super bright blonde. 
  By the time I got to New York, I think it had been a month or so since dying it. I had a couple inches of roots growing in. So my sister and I browsed the hair dye section at Target in Brooklyn and bought a sort of strawberry blonde color. I had decided I wasn't going to get the blonde color I wanted from a box, so I was risky. 
  It turned a sort of pinkish color, so since I was seeing two friends the next day, I wanted to dye it again. It went BRIGHT ORANGE. Caps for emphasis. 
  I'll go into more detail with that in my hair post!
  So obviously dying my hair and gaining weight made me consider how much of my looks defined who I was. As a white person with really no cultural heritage or nationality that I feel defines me, I carefully considered what makes me me.
  I couldn't come up with too much, besides what has happened to me over my life, and my family. (Which I talked about a bit in part one.)
  So, for me, I thought, you know, looks don't define me that much. I honestly don't believe that they should. I don't buy into labels or stereotypes. 
  They can be true. But people are so much more complex than that.
  That being said, looks can absolutely make someone who they are. In a good way.
  For example, my friend Susie. She is Mexican, and her culture and family are a huge part of her life. She loves her culture, and it and her family have made up a big part of her. So, her looks play into that. Her black hair and brown eyes. 
  This takes me to the important thing that I want to say.
  I don't believe in labels or stereotypes, but I don't think everyone is exactly the same. I think that differences should be celebrated. I think that people's dark skin, purple hair, green eyes, or whatever, are beautiful and should remain as they are. Everyone has a right to be who they are without changing. Unless they want to.
  How noble of me to have these thoughts right? ha, well, that's not the point... I don't take myself too seriously. I just love diversity and thrive in it. I'm not exactly sure why!  But whenever I'm the odd man out, I love it. Maybe I like feeling special like that. 
  Another part of it, is that I also love learning new things about people. People are so fascinating. Everyone has a story. Everyone is so much more than their looks, or their clothes, or their mistakes. People are complex.
  Okay I'm getting preachy or something, that is making me uncomfortable.. lol. So this is the end of my identity posts for now. I'd love if someone else wrote about their identity, in more details than even mine. What makes you you? x